Leopards don’t change their spots.

First, Happy Easter! I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday with their families!

Now, this morning I was upset because my son’s father showed up late when he knew I was going to take my boy to church and still had to get him ready. When he came to pick him up at his time, he was early. Which isn’t fair to me. He didn’t bring my son’s shirt back, which annoyed me because I use some of his clothes for play clothes so he doesn’t mess up his good stuff and that shirt is included.

The thing that pisses me off is that I know its intentional. But for some reason, I can’t bring myself to beat his ass like I should.

Continue reading “Leopards don’t change their spots.”

Being a single mother isn’t the worst thing

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out who I am as I’m (hopefully) entering the final stage of post grad unemployment, and I keep thinking about the reaction from others that discover I’m a single mom.

“I couldn’t imagine!”

“I could never do that.”

“How do you do it?”

Continue reading “Being a single mother isn’t the worst thing”

A letter to the father of my son

Dear Bd,

I wish that you could understand my place in all this. That no matter how mad you get or how often you take me to court, I will still by my son’s mother. There is no woman on this earth that can be his mother. I wasn’t put here to to put the importance of a good upbringing on the back burner because you say so–I was born to raise my son to be a successful man. He was given to me and I was given to him so that we both can bring out the best in each other.

I don’t have to explain to you why I am a good mother, I am, and you know that. Truthfully, this child can not be raised without me. He can not learn to love, or to use his heart before his hands without me. He can not learn to value the lives of other human beings from you. Sure, you have done your visits the way you are supposed to, but visiting and parenting are two different things. I can let you know the rules I have set for him, then watch you break them. It took two months for you to even put him in pull ups like I asked. You see, what you don’t understand is that doing things to hurt me (like allowing others to disrespect me, not paying child support because you don’t want to help me etc) affects my son. He hears you talking, and sees the contempt of your actions. If there comes a day that he decides he doesn’t want to see you anymore because of it, you’ll have yourself to blame and I will not force him to come. 

It’s fairly obvious you can not raise him without me, but honestly I can not raise him without you. You are here to show me my own strength, and to help me learn my worth among other things–for him? That lesson is still to be determined. It doesn’t matter how well you treat your wife, the way you treat me is the example he will see for how he treats women. You can either be there to teach him to be a man in a positive way or a negative way. For some reason I know my son will be the person to finally see you without your mask. Children know more than you think. If he hasn’t already, he will realize you use him as a trophy. As a cute little figurehead for your “World’s Best Dad” social media campaign, while in real life you complain that he exists and talk about how he has burdened you and your youth. 

There is one thing I will not allow from you; teaching him that love is fleeting and based upon what you can get from someone. I will not allow you to teach him that everything is a scheme and love should only be used to get what you want. I will not allow you to show my son that affection is for everyone. His love is sacred and it shouldn’t be passed around to any and every human. My son is amazing and special and if you can not see that, you don’t deserve his affection. The love of a child for his parent is inherent. That doesn’t mean you’re the world’s greatest. He’s still young and there’s still a chance to cut the shit-I’m not going to push you out because no matter what lesson you choose to teach I will be here. I will love and support my son until the day I die, through every up and down, through every fight and every happy moment. There is nothing you can do, no one you can marry and no word you can say that will stop me from being a mother to my son. Coming from experience, the best way to lose the respect of your child is to disrespect their mother. 

Being a parent doesn’t leave the option of selfishness. Learn it now, or learn it the hard way.

The Birthday Argument

All the “headway” we made the other day is moot. I have a serious question and I truly hope someone answers it. Do mothers in joint custody type situations not deserve to have special days or things they want the same way fathers do?

No matter what, when there is something I want it is me being selfish or petty or keeping his dad away and not that I may just want something for myself for once. Is it really my job to sacrifice for my son’s father’s wants even though we no longer have that type of relationship? I’m pretty sure the answer is no but I want to be sure. The fight has started over my son’s birthday and I feel like it’s selfish of my son’s dad to believe I would ever send him elsewhere on the day I brought him into this world holding my mother’s hand. That day is more special to me than it ever will be to anyone else–including my son. To me, my child’s birthday is the true mother’s day. It’s the day I became a mother. It shouldn’t matter if his dad likes me or not, it should matter that it’s special to me. Something. For once. It’s bad enough I have to share his holidays (even the ones that mean something to me and not his father), it’s bad enough I have to send him away but his father isn’t required to pay his child support. Or to do his time. It’s only required for me to leave his time open for him to take. Everything is an option for dads, apparently including being a dick and making a mom feel badly for wanting one thing to herself.

Isn’t it weird how a simple request of a mother that sees and knows everything going on still turns her into a three headed dragon that’s not allowing a “man” to be involved with his child? I want to share that day with my son. I want a tradition that his father can not disrupt out of spite. That’s our special day. Do I feel like his father should be allowed to see him on that day? Yes. But will there ever be a year I wake up on my son’s birthday and feel okay with him spending it with someone that really don’t want to be involved with him in the first place? Fuck no. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. (actually I don’t.)

The point of all of this is to ask–why is it so bad for a mother to choose to look out for herself in a situation like this? If I let him, he will take as many days as possible and only use some of them. Or only use them sometimes. I am supposed to be flexible for when he just decides to be busy and not come or for when he decides to be a “dad” and try to make me look like shit. It’s not fair and it honestly isn’t right, but my time with my son and our moments are just as important (if not more important) than his.

I should be able to have my moments, too. Ones that I can enjoy, and not just raise a child and do all the hard work for his dad to enjoy all the sweet moments. It’s not fair for anyone to assume any mother would be okay with that.

Isn’t it weird how the things that are important to bd are things he “has” to fight for, but things that are important to me are things I’m being selfish about?